sanity_insanity's Xanga

I'm yours

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 16:34:48 GMT

Ok guys, this is so so so cute.

I'm Yours presented on ukulele

Random range of thoughts

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 03:05:10 GMT

As a study break, I browsed through facebook, which is something that I don't usually do. I found that a friend of mine from 3-4 years ago had a 4 months old baby. It is funny what one can find on facebook sometime. It is just strange. Couple years ago, she left our church because her boyfriend then (husband now) had some issue with us. I thought he was the strangest person I have ever met from his personality, to the way he talks, to his way of thinking, etc. Maybe strange is the wrong word, he is just different. I treated him like I treated anyone. Anyway, it's a weird feeling... after she left, she was married to her in couple months. Now she has a baby and she is slightly younger than me.

Yina was also married this summer. I was in the wedding and met her family and I was very happy for her. But since then, I felt like I can't related to her anymore. The marrial status has made her different. So here's anyother thing, after having all those awesome, remarkable, and one in a life time relationship with my Minnesotan friends, some of us don't even talk. We have no idea what is going on with each other anymore. We continued to dwell in our busy lives. It is weird. It does not make sense to me somehow. A question begged to come out of my mind, "so why borther making friends at all?" If you don't know me, I don't meant that one should not be making friends, and la la la. Of course, I am all for making friends. As a matter of fact, I love my friends and I care for a lot of people even though they may not notice it. There is just something in me that push me to people, make me want to get to know them better, and really care about how they are doing. Maybe because I get so invloved with other people's life and make myself so vulnerable too quickly, a side of me want to know where friendship will be going.

Human needs other human. So do we make friend for our own selfishness so that we have someone to lean on or to call on in need? So that once they are gone for a while, it almost does not matter as long as we have someone else? Or am I thinking too much after doing all those intellectual exercise from grad school?

I really don't have any answer. People come and go in our life. Whatever the reason is for friendship, enjoy every single minutes with a friend because it will never be the same.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 23:31:33 GMT

Browsing though couples of my friends blog, what is going on? Every seems to be not doing so well. Maybe it's the weather, or season of life. Right out of college is the time when reality meets ideology, when hard work meets uncertainty. We are all starting to get burn out. Friends, it's time to learn another lesson in life. I am not out of school, but I am learning.
In the recent years, I have discovered that my father is really a master and philosopher of life. My dad is so humorous and joyful all the time. Not only is he able to see clearly people's personality and motivation, he is able to maintain a mind of peace and find little cheerful things in life. These two things do not seem like they connect, but let me try to explain. Many of us, recent graduates, are burnt out and frustrated with my being, because the world is not as black and white and ideal as we thought it is. Stories after stories from my friends revealed the darkness and competition in the work place and life. Maybe we are holding on too tight. We are angry and upset with injustice and evilness. We complain and pull our emotion with it. That blinds to appreciate goodness and beauty, which can be our energy. Embracing the world we live in is hard, but it's a matter of attitude and perceptive.
Youngsters, keep trying. We are still young... and naive at time. At least, we are not alone.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 23:11:53 GMT

For some reason, today feels very long. After spending yesterday hanging out with friends at the Metropolitan Museum, China town, and attending the small group, I should have enough motivation to finish the work I gave myself to do - just 2 pages of my 30 pages paper. After a whole day, I barely write a page and unsatisfied with the quality of my work. Honestly, I really rather be doing something else.Distracted by my overwhelming unnecessary thoughts and emotion, I sticked my head out of the giant window in the hallway, breathed in as much as possible the "fresh" air from outside. The cool air is much needed to cool my head down as well as my heart. I can almost sense that the unwelcome once-a-month-business is coming, every time play around with my minds and mood.
I imagine getting myself out to sit in the coldness. And then my rational self immediately draws the thoughts back by telling myself I have much to do. My rebellious nature rebutted with convincing evidence, "what have you done all day anyway?" Then my non-confrontational side calms both parties down.
Is New York city really for me? Do I really want to spend the following 3-4 years here? Once again, I am feeling cultural shock, this time though, is from the warm Minnesotan-nice and familiar faces to the diversified exciting cold New York.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 03:23:07 GMT

Since Theresa and I went to the relationship seminar yesterday, our conversation have been surrounding the singleness and dating. I wouldn't talk behind her back about her relationship, so I am talking about myself.
Since I have arrived, my friends and suitemates have made multiple attempts to get me dates or go to speed dating events. I generally have a negative response and feeling towards them. It's not like I think I have the gift of singleness. I do want to be loved and love someone.
I guess partly it has to do with the timing, it's just not there yet. I just don't think intentional looking it will give me someone right. It's so easy to fall in the trap of dating someone because you want a boy/girlfriend, instead of truly loving and considering that someone to be the future spouse.
Second possible reason, I really haven't met anyone special with mutual interest. Theresa has this theory (and she is talking about me) that the inability of loving oneself makes one cannot love anyone. I admit that I have high standard for everything partly because of my training in both the academia and music. Coming from an Chinese family certainly does not help. So I would say, I accept who I am, but things can always be better. Dad said A is not bad. A+is even better.
The third reason: I think I am still recovering from the past relationship. Overall, it has been only 8 months since my last break up. I tend to invest a lot in relationship. Am I afraid of getting hurt again? Probably. But I know I can love again. But as of now, there are still a lot of "only if he would like this...", "only if I did this...", "why does this has to happen..." in my minds whenever I think about it.
Relationship is difficult, time-consuming, full of temptation, and a great test on my heart and mind. I don't mind being single. So I am just praying that God would guard my hearts until my future spouse come along.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Sun, 15 Nov 2009 22:05:24 GMT

Lord, HELP!

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 01:39:02 GMT

Today's topic is our bathroom. Our suite has five girls so one bathroom is definitely not enough. From the dining area, there are two doors, one to the sink and shower area (with its own curtain separate it from the sink area), and the other one to the bathroom. So at the same time, its capacity can accommodate all of us doing bathroom-related matters. The strange thing is that the wall between the bathroom (with toilet inside) and sink area does no go up all the ways, which means that if you stand on the sink, you will be able to see whatever is going on in the bathroom area. Of course none of us do those kinds of thing. But you do hear and smell whatever is going on in the bathroom. It is becoming common for us to talk to each other from the bathroom to the dining area, or hearing someone's business while eating. I just thought it is strange and funny at the same time and that's the whole reason for this block. Thank you for bearing with me.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Fri, 18 Sep 2009 02:09:44 GMT

After a much needed game of Bananagram (one of our favorite game in MN), I walked back to my end of the hallway. (Actually, Mayuko lives opposite to my room, so she also share that end, but she rarely stops there as I do. So I take the end as mine.) Anyway, as usual I stare out of the window. Once Beth, my another roommate from Washington DC, asked me what is there to see. There isn't actually. I guess it's just me and window. I know it sounds strange. But the act of looking out of the window at night starts at least 17 years ago, when my brother would also sneak out of our room to our parents' room at night. I would stand there in the middle of the night staring out of the window, watching the pedestrians and cars passing by, and appreciating the motion of the dim light when I close half of my eye lid, winkle, or do all sort of trick with my eyes. One thing I don't do though is that I DON'T stalk people.

Choices

Sun, 13 Sep 2009 02:16:16 GMT

Since I have arrived Columbia University, I have been living off my suitcases. I only have 46kgs/100lbs luggage allowance, so I really don't have much. I have been very creative, e.g. using my nail clipper and only super size knife as scissors in various occasion, using double size tape to seal bags of food, using towel as blankets, etc. I didn't even have any pants nor hangers. After freezing for couples night, I finally gave in and get myself a throw.

Two weeks later, I received my package that was supposed to arrive before my arrival. It was almost pain-taking to looking at the amount of "stuff" I have. I was used to living simple. Facing so many choices, life suddenly became complicated. Picking out clothes to wear is a pain. It was so easy having only one fall jacket. And what am I going to do with two pillow and three blankets on my twin bed? Nevertheless, it is nice to have my comforter and Phillip again.

Two weeks of simple living proves to me that I can indeed live without many things.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Tue, 10 Mar 2009 03:32:18 GMT

So Columbia Teachers College has accepted me for the master program in Economics and Education for Fall 2009. The next to worry about is ... funding. I was told that it is one of the worst Ivies in giving scholarship. We will see. But the new does make me feel happy =)